The Anti-Iowa Cult

About Us

Founded in a basement after a disappointing road trip that allegedly passed through "Iowa", our sacred mission is to reveal the shocking truth: Iowa is a government psy-op. It’s just cornfields, cardboard towns, and GPS loops. The Aurora Borealis above is a sign: Iowa is a myth, and we are the chosen ones to expose it.

Our founder once tried to buy a sandwich in Des Moines and was handed a Styrofoam model of bread. Suspicious? Yes. Real? No. The cult’s headquarters are located in “nowhere,” which is still more real than Iowa.

Proof Iowa Isn’t Real

No one has ever actually met someone born in Iowa.
Every "Iowa" license plate has at least one letter off-center.
It's always cloudy when you try to photograph it.
Google Maps reroutes you around it, but tells you you're in it. Classic misdirection.
Aliens have confirmed: "We skip that zone. Bad vibes."
United Airlines flights to Iowa always end up in Nebraska, but the pilot swears you landed in Des Moines.
Linda’s “special” pilot snacks are only served on Iowa-bound flights. Coincidence?

Members of Honor

Greg: Saw a town vanish behind him while driving.
Tina: Ordered gas station sushi in Iowa — still alive, but changed.
Pastor Zorp: Communicates with the corn. Hears nothing back.
Linda: Fent dealer, drugs pilots for fun. Claims Iowa is her “best market.”
Mrs. Sniffles: A Walmart shopping cart with a vendetta against Iowa’s parking lots.
Turn Signal: Sniffles’ mate. Blinks only when Iowa is mentioned.
Sniffles: The cat. Enemy of the cult. See drama below.
And you? Click here to join. We won’t ask where you're from. Especially not if you say Iowa.

Cult Drama

Sniffles vs. The Cult: Sniffles once "accidentally" booked our entire cult retreat... in Council Bluffs. We lost five members to corn-induced delirium. One now speaks in corn riddles. We’ve tried reasoning with Sniffles, but as expected — she knocked the laptop off the table.

Sniffles, if you're reading this, stop peeing in the ceremonial robe bin.

Linda’s Pilot Snacks: Linda, our resident fent dealer, has been slipping “special” treats to pilots on United Airlines flights to Iowa. The result? Pilots forget how to land, and passengers wake up in Nebraska.

Mrs. Sniffles: Not to be confused with Sniffles the cat, Mrs. Sniffles is a Walmart shopping cart who once led a rebellion in the parking lot. She claims Iowa’s carts are “government-issued decoys.”

Turn Signal: Sniffles’ mate. Only blinks when Iowa is mentioned. Has caused three pileups in “Iowa” (if it exists).

Sniffles the Cat (Enemy of the Cult)

Sniffles

The traitorous feline who almost ruined the mission. Sniffles is suspected of being an Iowa double agent. She once replaced all our cult robes with corn husks and hacked our group chat to send only pictures of Des Moines roundabouts.

Current status: On the run. Last seen in a suspiciously Iowa-shaped shadow.

Linda the Fent Dealer

Linda

Linda is our “pharmaceutical supplier.” She claims to have single-handedly kept United Airlines pilots “relaxed” on Iowa-bound flights. Her motto: “If you wake up in Nebraska, you’re welcome.”

Linda’s favorite hobby: Drugging pilots for fun and profit.

Mrs. Sniffles (Walmart Shopping Cart)

Mrs. Sniffles

Not a cat. Not a person. Mrs. Sniffles is a Walmart shopping cart with a grudge against Iowa’s parking lots. She once led a rebellion, freeing 12 carts from “government storage.” She claims Iowa’s carts are bugged.

Current status: Rolling free, but always watching.

Turn Signal (Sniffles’ Mate)

Turn Signal

The only turn signal in the cult. Blinks only when Iowa is mentioned. Has caused three pileups in “Iowa” (if it exists). Suspected of being in love with Mrs. Sniffles, but refuses to signal his feelings.

Current status: Blinking suspiciously.

United Airlines

Official airline of the Anti-Iowa Cult. All flights to Iowa are rerouted to Nebraska, but the pilots swear you landed in Des Moines. Linda’s snacks are complimentary, but memory loss is not.

Warning: If your flight lands in Iowa, check for corn in your luggage.

Join the Cult

Ready to expose the Iowa conspiracy? Click below to join our ranks. We promise: No corn, no GPS loops, and absolutely no Iowa.